Chapter 105 – Falling for the Alpha as a Surrogate Novel

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Ella

As I start to doze, I force my brain to think of nothing but Sinclair, willing myself to dream of him. I don’t let my mind focus on anything else or get distracted, I just keep telling myself to call Sinclair, to make him come to me.

Darkness closes in, and then I’m back on that bed in the forest. Yes! I think, this is where we were last time! It worked!

It takes a few minutes for Sinclair to appear, but I tell myself to just be patient. He wasn’t asleep yet in the real world. I have to wait for him to rest to see him this way.

I’m not sure how much time actually passes, but eventually he comes stalking through the trees. He’s in his wolf form this time, but he shifts when he reaches the bed, giving me a tender smile. “Hello trouble.”

“Hi.” I answer, feeling suddenly shy. “I wasn’t sure this would work.”

“You mean you meant to call me this time?” He inquires, arching a brow.

I nod, feeling a hot flush work up my cheeks. “I want to tell you something.”

“Okay.” Sinclair replies, coming to sit on the plush duvet, but not reaching for me the way he usually does. A moment of doubt plagues my heart, but I’m sure he’s just trying to use restraint.

I’m fidgeting, and staring at my hands in my lap, but I slowly work up the courage to speak. “I know I’ve been all over the place lately, and I wish I could tell you that it was all the pregnancy, or all the stress of our situation… but the truth is that it’s a lot more than that. Those things are making all this more difficult, but I would have been a mess anyway.”

Taking a deep breath, I continue, “You know I was orphaned, and that I never really got a childhood as a result. But I also never experienced love from anyone but Cora. I was so starved for it, that I basically jumped at the first chance I had. I spent years just trying to get over my fear of men, and in hindsight, I’m not sure I ever really did. I think maybe I just got so desperate for some affection that I simply closed my eyes and lept, and of course the person who caught me was Mike. I was a perfect mark for him

– young, naive, and willing to do anything to finally feel wanted. I had no idea what a healthy relationship was, and he groomed me to believe that everything he did and said to me was normal.”

Sinclair is frowning deeply, and I can see questions weighing on his tongue, but he holds them back. “Of course, I eventually wised up… and then I met you.” I share, my voice suddenly very small. “And my heart trusted you even though my brain screamed at me not to. Everything I’ve experienced in my life conditioned me to believe that if I let myself be vulnerable with you

– you would break me. It taught me to believe I wasn’t worth love, so anyone showing me kindness must be out to trick me. So I tried to convince myself that what I’ve been feeling with you wasn’t real. And at the same time, all those parts of me that I kept buried for so long burst out because my body somehow knew you wouldn’t hurt me if I acted like a child, or broke down and let you see my sadness and anger. It knew you wouldn’t use those things as weapons against me.”

“You’ve been so patient and accepting. You’ve taken care of me like no one ever has – even when I hate you for it. But I still couldn’t tell you.” There are tears in my eyes now, and I can see Sinclair’s closed fists trembling with barely held restraint. His wolf is still glowing in his eyes, and I know how hard he’s trying to let me simply speak my fill without interruption. “I’ve been a coward. I’ve been hiding behind the challenges facing us, using them as excuses to avoid ever having to be brave… Even when you’ve tried to tell me your own feelings, my brain just defaulted to defending myself. I knew if you told me, I wouldn’t be strong enough to resist.”

“ And I know nothing has changed and that a relationship is still impossible for us… but I don’t want to be a coward anymore. I want to be brave just once in my life.” I take a deep breath as I continue, “So I thought that if I could tell you here… that if we could be together in our dreams, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so badly that we can’t be together in real life.” I explain, tears spilling down my cheeks.

“I’m… I’m in love with you, Dominic.” I whisper, too timid to look him in the eye.

There’s a pregnant pause filled with the sound of my pounding heart and my blood rushing in my ears. Then Sinclair’s hand is reaching towards me. He catches my chin between his thumb and forefinger, pulling my gaze up to his. I sob when I see the expression on his face.

His eyes are shining – not with his wolf – but with tears. There’s so much affection and understanding on his rugged features, that I feel like he’s wrapped me in a hug without even touching me. “I love you, Ella. I think I’ve been in love with you from the moment you stomped your tiny foot on me. You have no idea how hard it’s been to hold my wolf back.”

“Really?” I sniffle, because even though I was expecting him to tell me he had feelings, I wasn’t prepared for love. I certainly wasn’t prepared to hear that his wolf wanted me too. My stubborn mind is still amazed the man could be interested in me, let alone his inner animal.

“Really.” He confirms firmly, “and if you don’t get over here and into my arms this instant, I’m going to let my wolf out so he can pounce on you.”

Something inside of me perks up at this thought. I remember all Sinclair’s warnings not to run from him at the Wild Hunt, and I remember how thrilling it had been to be chased… until everything went wrong. I think we need a do over. The voice in my head suggests slyly. And I can’t help but agree.

I think Sinclair can sense my mischief, because his eyes narrow at me with suspicion as I lean towards him on the bed. Luckily, while he might sense I’m up to something, he doesn’t realize what. At first I worry he might reach for me before I can jump onto the ground, but when I change direction at the last moment, he’s not quite fast enough to catch me. I immediately break into a sprint, and at first I hear the low rumble of Sinclair’s laughter. A moment later, however, I hear his wolf’s howl, and I know the hunt is on.

As I start to run, I feel the same intoxicating exhilaration that consumed me at the Wild Hunt. My legs stretch as far and fast as I can make them move, and I’m amazed at how much ground I begin to cover. The night wind whips through my hair as I dash through the trees, an ecstatic smile stretching across my features as my feet crash into the snow.

Somehow I’m not the least bit bothered by the cold, and when Sinclair’s howl shatters the night, it’s all I can do to stay on my feet. I stop and shudder every time he does it, but it only drives me to run faster and farther – to force him to prove himself by catching me.

I don’t know where these instincts came from, and while I might not be able to explain them, there’s no denying how right this feels. Why have I never run barefoot through the woods before? Why have I never bathed in the light of the moon? Every second I spend in this wonderful wilderness makes me feel as though I’ve been living in the wrong skin my entire life – like a piece of my soul has been returned even though I never realized it was missing.

I’m so caught up in the race that I don’t even notice when my body begins to blur around the edges. My bones quake, my soul soars, and suddenly everything changes. A starburst of white light consumes me, and for a moment I’m blinded by its brilliance.

When my feet hit the ground again, there are four, and I seem much lower to the ground. I look down in shock, amazed to discover fur covered paws where my hands used to be. I glance behind me to discover a bushy, white tipped tail swinging behind me, helping me maintain my balance as I speed through the darkness.

I’m a wolf.

I don’t let the change slow me down. This is a dream after all – of course magical things are possible. I can move so much faster on four legs, and if I still had the ability to laugh aloud I’m sure I’d be overflowing with euphoric giggles. Instead I howl gleefully into the chill air, leaping over the fallen branches and rocks dotting the forest floor. I’m free, I’m free!!! The voice in my head cries, loping gracefully through the wintry landscape, determined to never stop.

A deep, familiar howl sends me stumbling. I was so thrilled to transform that I almost forgot about Sinclair. I suppose my own howl tipped him off. It wasn’t meant to – I was only celebrating. My conscience pouts.

I know, but now he’s onto us. I think quickly. We have to move.

I don’t know why it’s so important that I don’t let Sinclair catch me, but right now the only thought in my head is to get away. I have to make it as difficult for him as possible… for some reason. That’s no problem, my inner voice brags, now that I’m free he’ll have his work cut out for him. He might be big, but I’m fast.

Then let’s go! I insist, spurring her on. Within seconds we’re galloping through the snow, even faster than before. Somewhere in the back of my mind it occurs to me to cover my tracks, but I realize Sinclair will be following my scent anyway. It’s hard for me to focus on him – as distracting as he usually is – my heart is soaring and for once it has nothing to do with the Alpha. I can’t believe I thought I’d felt free on the night of the hunt. I’m beginning to realize I didn’t even know the meaning of the word until now.

My paws, paws, can you believe it!? splash through the ice of a frozen creek, but I carry on without a care in the world. After all, wolves don’t have to worry about silly things like frostbite – I even have fur between my toes!

I can hear everything too! I can hear the distant pounding of Sinclair’s feet, the low calls of owls flying overhead, and even mice and rabbits burrowing in the ground beneath my feet, with all their clicks and tiny squeaks. Then there are the smells – who knew water had a smell! Sinclair’s smell is more familiar, but it’s doing things to this form which are nothing short of scandalous. The stronger it becomes, the more my insides seem to turn to mush, and wetness pools between my legs.

Too late, I realize why his scent has grown so strong.

He’s caught up. One moment I’m flying through the night like a wild thing, the next I’m skidding to a stop when he bursts out of the trees ahead of me. I – what! How did you do that?! I demand.

To my amazement, his own voice rings in my head, Because, sweet Ella, I’m a hunter. I know how to drive my prey into a trap without them knowing. Besides, He adds, his deep rumble softening with affection, You were too caught up reveling in the fact that water has a smell to notice.

How do you know that? I inquire suspiciously, not sure how I’m managing to communicate with him.

You were shouting it at the top of your lungs. He informs me smugly.

Hmph. I narrow my eyes at the cocky Alpha, trying not to think about how powerful he is in this form – how majestic. My body is urging me towards him like we’re a pair of magnets, but my wolf isn’t ready to give up. We’re not done running yet, and if he wants to catch us, he’s going to have to do more than stage an ambush. I lunge towards the trees on my left, but Sinclair bounds forward in a single, graceful leap. He’s blocking my path, so I try to lunge in the opposite direction. To my fury he manages to block me again.

Glaring at him, I glance at his massive body, realizing that his legs are so long that I could probably slide right beneath him. Pure mischief fills me to the brim, and I pretend to timidly approach him. Sinclair isn’t convinced, watching me with the same ravenous hunger he always manages to evoke in his human form.

I’ve almost reached him when I dive between his legs, sliding on my belly through the snow and thanking the goddess for the slight slope which lets me slip right between his proverbial fingers. Overjoyed with my own brilliance, I rise to take off again, but before I can a huge heavy weight pins me to the ground.

Such a clever little she-wolf. Sinclair’s deep voice is all praise, and I can feel his tongue swiping kisses across the back of my neck.

Still, I’m not amused to have him interrupting my fun. I bare my fangs, and scowl at him over my shoulder, a pint-sized growl rumbling in my own chest.

And so vicious. From the sounds of it you’d think I was as cute as a button, and not a dangerous predator with built-in knives in my mouth and paws. But you’re caught, baby. It’s time to shift.

 

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