Filed to story: A Fate Inked In Blood Free
Why did I keep asking the same questions despite knowing the answers to all of them?
We’d reached the beach, Bodil’s maidens rising from where they crouched in the rain. Each of them held a shield, and I stared at the circles of painted wood. This is your fate, Freya, I told myself. This is what the seer foresaw for you. What the gods want from you. Nothing else matters.
–
We drilled for hours, Bodil calmly instructing me in how to fight in a shield wall and how to fight against larger opponents in single combat, her maidens gleefully battering me with weapons wrapped with wool. I learned a great deal, but not once did I feel impassioned the way I had when I’d trained with Bjorn. Which was likely for the best, given I rarely made good decisions when my temper was high. Yet I couldn’t help but sigh with relief when Bodil called for an end to our practice, her maidens wandering off in search of food and drink.
“That was good fun,” Bodil said, sitting on a log with her weapons discarded at her feet.
“For you, maybe.” I groaned, muscles protesting as I eased down to the ground. “Every inch of me will be purple tomorrow.” Crossing my legs, I examined my hand, which throbbed mercilessly, my scarred palm raw from fighting with a stick all day.
“You’re supposed to use the salve.” Bodil leaned closer, taking my hand. “The one Bjorn made for you.”
Scuffing my shoe in the sand, I remembered all the moments today that I’d felt his eyes on me. I’d refused to meet his gaze, only waited, tense and breathless, until he’d abandoned the beach again. “I don’t know why he cares so much.”
Bodil was silent for a long moment, but I could feel her scrutiny, weighing and measuring the question before she finally said, “It’s because he feels guilty that it was his axe that burned you.”
An obvious excuse for his behavior. One that I should’ve thought of. “Wasn’t his fault.”
Bodil snorted. “Not having willed something to have occurred doesn’t render a person blameless, woman. You know that as well as anyone.”
Given that guilt was a near-constant companion these days, I probably knew it better than most.
“The real question we need to discuss,” Bodil continued, “is why you don’t tend to your scars.”
My spine stiffened. “What are you talking about? Of course I do.”
“I’ve not seen you voluntarily do it once.” The jarl pried my hand free from where I’d shoved it in my pocket, examining the burn scars, her own hands marked with the countless nicks and cuts that came from being a warrior. “The salve takes away the pain and makes your hand limber, but you choose over and over not to use it, despite Bjorn’s reminders.”
Was that true? I wracked my brain, searching for an instance where I’d done it myself without Bjorn’s prodding, but came up empty. “I…I’m forgetful.”
“I think not.” Bodil straightened my fingers, digging her thumbs into the aching tendons. “And while Bjorn has a reputation for having talented hands, I don’t think you’re the sort to suffer for the sake of gaining attention. I think”-she hesitated-“that you believe you deserve the pain.”
It suddenly hurt to breathe, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Why, Freya?”
Twin tears squeezed out from under my eyelids, running down my cheeks as the answer lurking deep inside me rose to the surface. “My husband Vragi was a piece of shit,” I finally whispered. “He ruined my life and would have done his best to ruin Ingrid and Geir’s, but…” I tried to swallow but it stuck, making me cough. “I murdered him, Bodil, and he didn’t deserve that. Didn’t deserve an axe in the back of the skull just for being a bastard.”
“I disagree,” she replied. “Vragi’s reputation was known even in Brekkur. I’d bet all the silver in my pocket that cheers went up throughout your village when they heard the news.”
I gave a tight shake of my head. “He might have been an arse about it, but no one ever starved. He made sure of that.” And in Skaland, that mattered. Our world was harsh and cruel, winters taking countless lives as the unprepared or unlucky starved. But not in our village, for we always had fish.
Or had.
Now, thanks to my violence, how many would be lost when winter came?
Though that wasn’t the reason I neglected my scars. Wasn’t the reason I embraced the pain. “I feel guilty for the harm I’ve caused my village,” I choked out. “But I don’t feel bad about killing Vragi. I don’t feel anything.”
“Because he deserved it, Freya. That’s why.”
I clenched my eyes shut again, scrubbing away the tears. “It’s not. With the other people I’ve killed, it was me or them, so it makes sense that I felt little remorse over their deaths. But Vragi wasn’t threatening my life, or even Ingrid’s life, only promising misery, and I killed him in cold blood rather than trying to find another solution. If I were anyone other than who I am, Snorri would have punished me as a murderer, but instead I walk free. I should feel terrible guilt, but I don’t. So I need to make myself feel hurt another way, to punish myself, because I’m afraid if I don’t, I’ll do it again.”
Bodil exhaled a slow breath, then wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close like a mother would a child. “You don’t deserve to hurt. Hlin’s blood runs in your veins, so it’s your nature to want to protect those you care about. Vragi was a man who destroyed the lives of everyone he touched, and no amount of fish makes up for that. He didn’t need to go after this Ingrid you speak of. He could’ve taken Snorri’s gold and walked away, but he chose to attack you and yours. It’s his own bloody fault that he picked a fight with the wrong woman.”
There was logic to what Bodil said, yet I remembered the surge of emotion that had filled me when Vragi uttered his intention. Protectiveness, yes. Fear, yes. But above all else, rage. And that was not something I could cast at Hlin’s feet.
Bodil reached into my pocket to extract the salve. “Put it on.”
I rolled the jar between my hands. “I will. But I’d like a few minutes alone to sit, if that’s all right.”
She hesitated, eyes considering. But she must have heard the truth in my words, for she rose, casting a warning over her shoulder as she departed. “Do not wander, Freya. There are many who seek your death.”
Sighing, I opened the jar and smeared some of the salve on my scars, feeling almost instant relief from the stiffness. When I’d finished, I leaned back in the wet sand, turning my face up to the misting sky and closing my eyes. If only there was a way to clear my head. A way to silence the problems warring for my attention. A way to not constantly be thinking.
What I needed was not respite from the world but respite from myself. Except short of someone knocking me over the head, there was little chance of that.
“Breathe in,” I murmured, attempting one of Bodil’s exercises for settling the mind that she’d taught me earlier in the day. “Breathe out.”
My heart steadied as I breathed, pushing away every thought that came for me as I hunted stillness.
Breathe.